How to Plan a Shiva

Planning a shiva gathering during a time of grief can feel overwhelming. This guide will help you organize a respectful shiva that provides comfort to mourners while honoring Jewish traditions.

Timing and Duration

Traditionally, shiva begins immediately after the burial and lasts for seven days. However, many families today observe a modified shiva period:

Full seven days: The most traditional observance
Three days: A common modern adaptation
One evening: Sometimes practiced by less observant families

The shiva period is suspended during Shabbat (from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday) and certain holidays, though mourners may still receive visitors.

Setting Up the Home

The shiva home should be prepared with several considerations in mind:

Essential Preparations

Covered mirrors: Mirrors are traditionally covered to shift focus away from physical appearance. Simple sheets or cloth can be used.
Low seating: Provide low chairs or stools for the immediate mourners (the "shiva chairs").
Memorial candle: A special 7-day candle (shiva candle) is lit upon returning from the funeral.
Door access: Many leave the front door unlocked or slightly ajar so visitors don't need to knock or ring the doorbell.
Water and towels: Some communities place a pitcher of water, basin, and towels outside the front door for ritual hand washing after visiting a cemetery.

Practical Considerations

Food preparation area: Designate a space for visitors to place food offerings and for serving refreshments.
Guest book: Consider having a guest book for visitors to sign.
Comfortable seating: Arrange additional seating for visitors in a way that facilitates conversation with the mourners.
Bathroom supplies: Ensure bathrooms are well-stocked for visitors.
Photos and mementos: Some families display photos or meaningful items of the deceased.

Food Arrangements

During shiva, the community traditionally provides meals for the mourning family. Consider:

Appointing a food coordinator to organize meal deliveries
Creating a meal schedule to avoid duplication
Setting up a designated area for food storage and service
Having disposable plates, utensils, and napkins available
Ensuring dietary preferences and restrictions are communicated

Religious Aspects

Prayer Services (Minyan)

Many families host daily prayer services:

Determine if you'll hold services morning and/or evening
Arrange for someone knowledgeable to lead prayers
Prepare prayer books (siddurim)
Ensure there's adequate space for participants

Religious Items Needed

Torah scrolls are not typically brought to a shiva home
Prayer books
Kippot (yarmulkes) for men

Communication

Clear communication helps both the mourning family and visitors:

Share the shiva details: address, times visitors are welcome, duration
Consider creating an online announcement through a website or email
Let people know about any special arrangements or preferences
Communicate if and when prayer services will be held

Preparing the Family

Help the immediate mourners prepare for shiva by:

Explaining what to expect from visitors
Clarifying that they don't need to entertain - their role is to mourn
Arranging for someone to help moderate visitor flow if needed
Ensuring they have comfortable clothing suitable for receiving visitors
Reminding them that it's appropriate to ask for privacy when needed

Additional Support

Consider arranging:

Childcare assistance
Pet care
House cleaning before and after
Transportation for family members
Someone to answer the door and greet visitors

Modern Adaptations

While traditional practices are meaningful, many families adapt shiva to their circumstances:

Virtual participation options for distant friends and family
Flexible visiting hours to accommodate working schedules
Shortened shiva periods
Combined households for multiple mourners

After Shiva Ends

Plan for:

Removal of shiva arrangements (uncovering mirrors, returning furniture)
Thank you notes or acknowledgments
Return of borrowed items
Next phases of mourning (shloshim and beyond)

Conclusion

Planning a shiva requires attention to both practical and spiritual details. While there are traditional guidelines, remember that how a family observes shiva can be adapted based on their level of observance, practical considerations, and personal preferences. The most important aspect is creating a supportive environment for the mourning process.