Understanding Shivah - A Guide for Mourners and Visitors

Shivah (or "shiva") is a week-long mourning period observed by Jewish people following the burial of a close relative. The word "shivah" means "seven" in Hebrew, referring to the seven days of mourning. This time is set aside for the immediate family of the deceased to process their grief in a structured, supportive environment.

Who Sits Shivah?

Traditionally, shivah is observed by the parents, children, siblings, and spouse of the deceased. These immediate family members are called "avelim" (mourners).

The Purpose of Shivah

Shivah serves several important purposes:

1. Honoring the Deceased: By pausing regular life activities, mourners show respect for their loved one's memory.
2. Processing Grief: The structured period provides time and space to begin the grieving process.
3. Community Support: Friends and extended family visit to offer condolences and support.
4. Spiritual Transition: In Jewish tradition, this time helps the soul's transition to the afterlife.

Key Shivah Customs

For Mourners

• Sitting Low: Mourners traditionally sit on low stools or chairs, symbolizing being "brought low" by grief.
• Covering Mirrors: Mirrors are covered to shift focus away from physical appearance and vanity.
• Wearing a Torn Garment: A visible tear (keriah) is made in clothing upon hearing of the death.
• Refraining from Work: Mourners do not work during shivah.
• Not Wearing Leather Shoes: Comfortable, non-leather footwear is worn.
• Daily Prayer Services: Prayer services (minyan) are often held in the shivah home.

For Visitors

• Entering Quietly: Visitors typically enter the shivah home without knocking if the door is unlocked.
• Following the Mourner's Lead: Let the mourners initiate conversation.
• Sharing Memories: Visitors often share positive memories of the deceased.
• Bringing Food: It's customary to bring food so mourners don't need to cook.
• Washing Hands: Some maintain the tradition of washing hands before entering the shivah house.

Modern Adaptations

While these traditions are deeply rooted in Jewish practice, many contemporary Jewish families adapt shivah observance to fit their beliefs and circumstances:

• Shortened observance (sometimes three days instead of seven)
• Modified customs in non-traditional settings
• Virtual shivah visits for distant friends and family
• Varied levels of religious observance

Supporting Someone During Shivah

If you're visiting someone sitting shivah:

• Be Present: Sometimes your presence alone is comfort enough.
• Listen More Than Speak: Give mourners space to express their feelings.
• Offer Specific Help: Rather than saying "call if you need anything," offer specific assistance like "I can pick up groceries on Tuesday."
• Respect Timing: Observe traditional visiting hours (typically avoiding late night visits).
• Send Food or Contributions: If you can't visit, sending a meal or making a charitable contribution in memory of the deceased is appreciated.

Conclusion

Whether strictly observed or adapted for modern life, shivah provides a structured framework for beginning the journey through grief. The communal aspect of shivah reminds us that while grief is deeply personal, we need not face it alone.